Cities across the Global North are scrambling to become “greener” by planting thousands of trees in a bid to remain attractive and “livable” as temperatures rise. Paris is no exception, and, in fact, has even come to be seen as a “model” city in its use of green infrastructure to tackle heat and air pollution. In response to this urgency, we must find ways to slow down and interrogate our relationship with trees. What is being planted now is an arboreal heritage for the future, with cultural and even sexual implications. Our present arboreal heritage in Paris, as I will show, encodes straightness into the fabric of the city. Can the present offer a queerer legacy to its descendants—one that celebrates a wider set of stories about what it means to live among trees?